Why is it that every time I see a picture of Bush, I just want to smack him in the face and say, "That's enough of your shit!"?

So Francis Crick died today and that guy was awesome. You can't get much better than basically creating molecular biology. My favorite part of that article (and Crick himself):

Indeed, the desire to replace religious with rational explanations of life was a principal motivation of Dr. Crick's career.

If you can't get behind a guy like that, you're not smart.

I could go on about all of the shit he did, but you should just read the article.

Fuck Kirsten Dunst! Here's the interview piece Gabe's pissed about... me too.

Good Bumper Sticker: I Aborted the Second Coming of Your Savior

You know, I still like Steven Colbert and all, but Strangers with Candy was fucking terrible... so, of course, they're making it into a movie.

Fuck... Someone found my site by searching for How to Purge After Binging and I was going to make some sort of joke to the effect of "you better find out quick or you won't be pretty anymore," but fuck it, that's just awful. Seriously, get help.

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah... Profile! (Complete with picture... I need a haircut fucking bad).

Eli for God

So back when I was in college, BLM and I had this idea. Since high school, the two of had been becomming disillusioned with... well, pretty much everything. One of our most frequent targets during our various rants and recitations of our "Enemies Lists" was religion in general and particularly Christianity.

One night I decided to take a stand (or not because I'm currently four years late on this one. But my dad owed BLM a dinner for three years once before he payed up. At the time BLM said it was one of the best dinners he's ever had so I think it's justified. Other point is it runs in my genes.), with BLM's encouragement of course, I was going to run for God in 2000!

Seriously, I'm pretty sure that there are a lot of people that are a little fed up with the incumbent God. I mean, he seems pretty lazy to start with: When was the last time God talked to anyone? Gave anyone a real, definitive sign? Helped anyone out? I mean, sure, there are those that say that God gave them strength, but how do you know that was God and not just some other deity; or mind over matter even? Did you see God? As far as we know, the last time God did shit was about 2000 years ago and all he did was pop out a son to die here on Earth because he was too busy to do it himself. Hell, we don't even know that that Christ guy was really his kid, nut was probably off his rocker!

Bottom line is: "What has your God done for you lately?" I have a feeling that if you asked the average person on the street, he or she, could not, with difinity, give an answer other than "nothing." Sure, some people will tell you that since they found God, their lives have improved, but really, they have no basis. The construct of God they developed in their heads is what they're talking about, not a real God. Real incumbent God hasn't done shit.

That's where I come in. I think it's time that people had an alternative to the current "devine being" and I think I'm qualified to be that alternative. My basic platform is simple: I'm human, just like you (although, if any dingos care to vote for me, I will cater to your needs as well) and I'm not invisible. Basic? Sure. But I plan on going into more details in the future, outlining my plan, and I think you'll appreciate it.

As of this moment here, I've thrown my hat into the ring:

ELI FOR GOD IN 2005!

So I Ripped This Site Off of Someone Else's 'Blog but I Can't Remember Who Right Now... Sorry

I haven't had this much fun in five to ten minutes of playing around on a website in awhile. I really think that this could be the pinnacle of online entertainment. Fuck paying a monthly charge to play Final Fantasy XI or City of Heroes. (Seriously, fuck that! I'm not paying a monthly charge for a game I already paid for. That's crap.) This is much more entertaining.

All I kept thinking, my whole time on the site, was: "Wow. Mike Seaver thinks I'm going to hell. Not just that, he's actually telling me that I'm going to hell. Wow. That kid doesn't have a career." Also, I'm apparently guilty of all Ten Commandments which is pretty fucking sweet. I didn't realize that the hatred in my heart equates to murder, but apparently...

Seriously, I thought that Mike was raised by a good family that was more tolerant than all that. Jason was a shrink for Christ's sake. (There's a commandment.) I guess when everyone realzes that you're a hack and your acting career goes into the toilet, you knid of have to turn to God. How else are you going to make money if you don't take it from people that are scared and stupid.

Yeah, I should probably have stopped after that last paragraph but while looking around on IMDB, it looks like all Mike's been doing lately is making Growing Pains sequals and that Left Behind (I want to fuck a 2000 year old dead guy) crap. Reading the summaries I guess they take on the Antichrist. Go antichrist (unless the Pope is right)!

Then I started thinking about Growing Pains: Didn't Mike have a friend named Boner? I'm pretty sure that Boner's not making it to heaven. Then there was that spin-off Just the Ten of Us, some of those chicks were pretty hot, and a few of them were trashy. I wonder if they'd fuck Jesus.

Hey everyone (all three of you), my wife started up a 'blog (after saying she was going to for about a half a year). So yeah, check out Noir over at Pretension Central.

Spider-Man 2: A Review by Elijah the Prophet

As a note, before starting this movie I was already aware of the 9-minute rape scene.

So BLM thinks that I should continue to do reviews so here goes.

I saw Spider-Man 2 today and much like the first, I enjoyed it. We start out about two years after the original and Peter Parker is fucking up his life because he's spending too much time doing the whole Spider-Man thing. I mean these fucking kids today need to get their priorities straight. When I had a mid-term, do you think that I was out spending all of my time out saving humanity... hell no! At least, that tends to be the opinion of everyone with whom he interacts. Of course, they don't know that he's Spider-Man, but half of them hate that guy anyway.

I don't feel like going into plot because everyone's going to see this movie anyway, so I'll try a different direction this time.

Peter begins examining his life and the central question of the film becomes, when you have the power to do something to help others, are you obligated to do that thing, even if it means sacrificing the shit important to you? In my opinion the film answers with a resounding "no." I mean Spider-Man quits. He says "Fuck this shit, I'm living my life! I do what I want!" (That's a direct quote from the film, in a rare Spider-Man appearance on Ricki Lake, by the way.)

But Peter Parker is a good guy. At this point in his life he's not Peter if he's not Spider-Man. There's this whole metaphore, of not being able to see clearly that wasn't too over the top, but a little cliche. Anyway, when he finally goes back to being Spider-Man, the point is made that Peter chooses to be Spider-Man. He does it for the pure reason that he needs to help, not for his ego, which brings us to Doc Ock.

Dr. Otto Octavius starts out as a non-descript "scientist" researching fusion and on the verge of a breakthrough. While showing off his new process, he "needs" to utilize the famous Doc Ock robotic arms in order to perform his fusion demonstration. Also, there's something about the AI of the arms being so sophisticated that they need an inhibitor chip to keep them from controlling Otto. I don't really understand this point and I'm sure that no one involved in the scripting process could explain it to me but, fuck it. Movie "science" is all schlock anyway. That aside, an inevitable disaster comes along killing Otto's wife and assistant, Anij (yes BLM, that Anij), and breaks the inhibitor chip, driving Otto to become the villian in this feature.

Anyway, at this point Doc Ock, becomes obsessed with performing his fusion exercise again and on a much larger scale. He and his mechanical arms decide that they must give humanity fusion. But Ock, unlike Peter, is more absorbed with his own recognition and greatness than with actually helping humanity... I mean, he doesn't once look in his notebooks to make sure he didn't make a rounding error. As a side note, Alfred Molina is fucking great. That guy is a really good actor and plays Ock... well, as he should be played.

On the other hand, Kirsten Dunst is a hack. Really, she sucks in this movie (and a lot of things she's been in lately). I mean fuck, she had potential as a kid. It's like she gets worse every year older she gets. I'm pretty sure next year she'll be retarded. I don't even really want to talk about the love crap between Peter and Mary Jane (which made up a sizable portion of the movie) because I have to think about her awful, awful dialogue delivery. Let me put it this way, at one point in the movie, she's in a play and Peter comes to see it. When she realizes he's there, she falls out of character and forgets her line. I couldn't tell if she was just playing falling out of character or if she, fell out of character falling out of character. I'll end with this conclusion on Ms. Dunst, she's an awful actress but at one point you can see her nipples through her extremely tight dress.

Alright, I'll tie this up soon. The movie is pretty good overall. The science is crap and Dunst sucks, but it is a really fun movie and I'll be damned if I didn't get a little choked up during the Cool Hand Luke scene and the subsequent scene with the little kids finding Spider-Man's mask. (I'm a pussy, I've fucking cried during the South Park movie. I was very vulnerable at the time though so leave me alone.)

The end of the flick however, was pretty heavy-handed and unnecessary. It was pretty obvious what was going to happen, but the makers felt the need to spell it out and blatently advertise for the sequal. Plus the love crap could have been done more subtlely, and without as much shit spewing forth from Dunst's mouth.

So yeah, watch the movie. Despite all of my bitching, I'll go see it again. I think BLM still needs to see it so I'll be up for it sometime this week. Like I said, it's fun. Fin.

Oh yeah, almost forgot.

Current Music Selection: Self - Sassy Britches

Proof that white boys rapping doesn't always suck. Closes with one of the best string of rhymes possible including such lines as... fuck it, they're all good lines. Just go to Selfies and you can read the outro rap here (at the bottom of course). Or better yet, just get a copy of Half-Baked Serenade.

Irreversible: A Review by Elijah the Prophet

As a note, before starting this movie I was already aware of the 9-minute rape scene.

Irreversible has annoying camera work. When the closing credits begin rolling backward at the beginning of the film, my first reaction was "Oh, geez." Then they start with the camera shit about half way through the credits. Now, I had wanted to see this movie, particularly because literally everyone that has seen it has to talk about it and the brutality within, but my head was either not in the game or the film's director is one of the most pretentious fucks in the world. Giving the director the benefit of the doubt, I'm going to go with a combination of the two. Let's face it, wheter you like it or not, this guy is pretentious.

We start with a scene of two older guys talking about incest and prison. Oh they're also adding in little faux philosophical phrases like "times destroys all things" (No shit? I prefer to think that we're the all singing, all dancing crap of the world.) and "there are no bad deeds, just deeds" (It's "Deeds Not Words"! Didn't you see Megaforce?) So a few minutes into the movie were taken outside of "Club Rectum." Where one of the film's characters, presumably one we will get to know though the backward telling of the apparently horrific events, is being wheeled on a stretcher to the chants of "faggot, faggot, faggot..." which I take to mean he must have done really well in the soccar tournament.

While all of this is going on, this one guy is laughing in the corner in front of a computer monitor. If you take a closer look, you notice that on the monitor, there are a bunch of Korean kids in fucked up sexual situations. A guy begins groping a girl's breasts while she is passed out and she wakes up and smacks him, pissed because they were just going to hold hands; another guys is about to get some when he thrusts too hard, misses and hits the wrong hole (as this is not the U.S. navy); and a third focuses on a couple in which the girl is not ready for sex, so she gives the guy a hand job which leaves her arm sore for the next day.

Suddenly, there is longer horrific camera work and brutality, but lighthearted humor featuring a Korean cast in a film created by connoisseurs of bad American 80's movies. The pretension of Irreversible is gone, replaced by the antics of the cast of characters in Sex is Zero. The flick focuses on a group of college kids consisting of a group of guys that are into extreme things. Things is the most technical and appropriate word I can use as this runs the gammut from breaking boards over their heads, to attempting to drown themselves, to drinking liquid with a bunch of crap and cigarette butts in it. The female characters are all part of the university aerobics team. Somehow these two groups come together and go to the national tournament at the end.

It's all a little hazy at points: one, because we came in late so much like Irreversible we watched the film out of order; and two, because there was this goddamm rape scene coming from the other side of the room that kind of killed the mood (not really, we still laughed on cue, but it was annoying).

The protagonist of the film was this guy that had the best facial expressions in the world, and was a motherfuckin' dance machine. He is, of course, in love with one of the aerobics hotties that is already attached. This guy gets shit on in every way possible throughout the first part of the movie: he thinks there's a fire and jumps out a 3rd story window, he eats a rat poison and fried cum sandwich, gets kicked in the balls, takes a large does of the active ingredient in viagra and is found jacking-off by said love interest, etc. All of the quality components of the genre.

Then the movie takes a turn that reminds you that this is not a bad 80s American movie but, in fact, Korean. The aerobics hottie is impregnated by her asshole boyfriend and needs an abortion. She asks our hero to come with her and, not knowing it's an abortion, he assumes it's a date. When his buzz is killed (much like ours until BLM said something funny), he proves that he is the greatest guy in the world by taking care of her and making an ass of himself to keep her in high spirits. Anyway, the film ends with the aerobics championship, where dance machine is hit in the head with a sledgehammer and aerobics hottie gives the performance of her life, then bleeds herself into the hospital.

As a note: YOU SHOULDN"T DO AEROBICS A FEW DAYS AFTER AN ABORTION!!!

Anyway, everyone finds out about the abortion and her mom is furious, but somehow that all gets cleared up. The film bookends itself with another fire and our now happy couple (not exactly clear on how that happened, they just seemed to be together all of the sudden) jumping out the 3rd story window with matching rings on (that have some symbolism that either I missed, or wasn't really there).

In conclusion, there are two main things to take away from this whole experience. One, I am a piss poor movie reviewer. I mean I started out fairly strong, but it just fell apart by the end. You really shouldn't be reading my stuff. And two, if your going to watch Irreversible, don't. Go online and download a copy of Sex is Zero. There's some ill shit in it, but it's much easier to take because of the humor, and there is no dillusion by the creators of having made an important film.