Real Time MTV VMA Thoughts

I'm watching the VMAs right now. Here's what I'm thinking:

Opening with Jay-Z talking about New York from the top of a building
Hey, it's the jigga-man. I like that guy.

Justin Timberlake's "My Love/SexyBack" Performance
"My Love" is brilliant. Anytime Timbaland whips out the insane BPM ballad you can't go wrong. Also, JT can really dance... holy shit. As SexyBack starts up Timbaland comes out and everything is great. Is JT really tall or is Timbaland just really short? Who cares. I need to see if I can find a leak of the new album.

Jack Black Intor
I used to think this guy was funny. Did I grow up or did he just get worse.

The Raconteurs with Lou Reed
Damn.

Little Kim Presents Best Male
She put on some weight in the slammer and James Blunt sucks.

Best Hip Hop Video Presented by Andre 3000 and Ciara
Boy, that's a pretty conservative outfit for Andre 3000. My Humps is one of the Nominees: Everyone should die. My humps wins over Gold Digger: BOETP seconds the motion.

Shakira performs "My Hips Don't Lie"
That's Shakira, her hips don't lie.

More Raconteurs
I really like these guys.

Best Female Performance
Why is LL Cool J hanging out with 50 Cent. I hate everything. This category is hard: Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous", Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man" and Madonna's "Hung Up." I really don't care as long as it's one of those (though I'm pulling for "Promiscuous"). Nope. It's Kelly Clarkson. What a load.

Ludachris and Pharrell Performance
Hey, it's Lil' Jon. Matt really likes this guy but he kind of sucks most of the time. Alright, I haven't really liked the clips of "Shake Your Money Maker" that I've heard thus far but this doesn't sound half bad. Did that chick almost fall? Holy shit, this is a floozy falling frenzy. Nice alliteration. The Pussycat Dolls should really be more attractive. At least they didn't sing when they came out.

Sarah Silverman
Space travel is gay. Ok. Who the fuck is Vanessa, she should be hotter too.

The Raconteurs Again
BOETP: I really like the house band concept; that's what's making it for me. True dat. I really need that album.

Tenacious D Skit
Lame.

Best Dance Video
Jessica Simpson looks good with shorter hair but listening to her talk makes me want to sacrifice her to the wicker people. BOETP: She's falling out of her dress. Nominees: Sean Paul is fakin' Jamacan. Madonna and Promioscuous again. Everything else is crap. And the PCDs win. This is a fuck. Why do people think they're attractive? Oh, and I don't give a fuck about the original PCD... or God. Shut Up! Stop talking. GODDAMN!

OK Go Performance
I've got no problem with Chris Brown. BOETP: Did he just get off shift at McDonald's? These guys had that one single that one time. This is pretty cool. These guys are doing for treadmills what... I have no clue how to finis this sentence. This does remind me of the "Praise You" video though. Song isn't bad either. I also like the idea of a real rock band getting up on stage and not playing the song but doing a "dance" performance to their own music.

Jackass Crap
This snowboard kid is lame. Fuck, he was just a kid when Jackass was on. I'm old as shit.

All American Rejects Performance
Jack Black needs to shut up and Paris Hilton needs to die. She wouldn't know a good message if... All American Rejects suck! They did that Weezer-esqe song that one time and should have just gone away after that. BOETP: They're not very good performers and he's not that strong vocally. Why is he doing that with his shoulders. Fuckin' mookies. They all look kind of like worms.

Best Pop Video
Nick Lachey and Nicole Richey smell like feces. These people make me hate pop and I love pop. Madonna, Promiscuous and Christina are not going to win again. Pink blows. Shakira's hips don't lie. Yup, Pink... Arrghhhhh! What a dumb bitch, why would anyone be afraid to make a video or record an album with Pink? I mean, she stinks, but afraid... Ah, she's probably drunk.

MTV Pimping Himself
John Norris is a gaywad.

Raconteurs
Again, this right here is the highlight of the show.

Best Rap Award
I'm getting really tired of Snoop Dogg. I thought that guys quit weed. BOETP: That way only to coach his son's little league for a year, that guy can't quit. 50 Cent is from Conneticuit. Chamillionaire is ridin' dirty and Three Six Mafia knows all abot sucking. "Ridin' Dirty" wins. I enjoyed that track for a bit but really, I'm done for now. Rappers need to stop thanking God... He fucking hates you! Also, when is the Chamillitary going to be shipped out to Iraq.

Beyonce Performane
Oh, fuck yeah! Goddamm, Beyonce is mad. But I can't take coreographed anger serously. Is Beyonce a mechanical animal? Anyway the way they've marketed this track with the Jay-Z breakup rumors is really smart.

Sarah Silverman Bit/Other Awards
Sarah Silverman is somebody. Don't do drugs.
Gnarls Barkley is great but they're going to kill that track.
Shakira's hips don't lie.
Missy Elliott is really good.

TI Performance
Hey Puff, what the fuck is Danity Kane. That's doesn't mean anything. Apparently you call TI "King." I don't really like this guy. THe production sounds like it may have been on the Young Jeezy album, just not as good. TI-92 would totally kick his ass. Yeah fucker, what you know about differential equations? BOETP: TI Bedazzled his hoodie. That is not street at all. BOETP: It looks like he just used glitter glue... that's what 4-year olds use. Is TI Michael Jackson? I hope not because if he is, those kids in the background are in for it. BOETP: Those kids can't dance, not even the black ones.

Group Video Award
Jared Leto and that Evenescence chick that tries way to fucking hard... great. What happend to that guy. He was an ok actor and now he's just a fucking mookie. Nominees: Crap, Poop, Gnarls Barkley, old band and and Fallout Boy (it's hard to come up with a bigger insult than just calling them Fallout Boy). And All-American Rejects suck they're way up to the stage. And bragging about being wasted went out of style when Meelan was 16.

Raconteurs
"Steady As She Goes" is great. FUCK YOU! Don't cut away when the Raconteurs are playing "Stead As She Goes!"

Ringtone of the Year
No.

Panic at the Disco
I'm just going to start using Fallout Boy as an insult. Ok, is there a difference between Fallout Boy and Panic At the Disco? I think not. Seriously, they just figured out how to be on two stages at once. BOETP: This guy has watched way too much Tim Burton. This lead guy is trying to sound like Harvey Danger only with a lot more suck. Either that or a dying frog. BOETP: This guys is tring to do Mick Jagger. Yeah, except he's not Howlin' Pelle Almqvist.

New Artist Award
Oh look, it's Fergie and that chick from Little Miss Sunshine. What the fuck? This award is so important because it tells you the artist you'll never hear from again. All of these groups suck... ok, Chris Brown and Rihanna are cool, I hope they don't win. Ok, good, some crap band. BOETP: This guy's almost bald. Yup. What the hell does "For all of you that don't know, now you know" mean?

Urge Commercial
Unsuspecting Asian Guy Bondage... Alright.

Raconteurs
This should really just be a Raconteurs concert. It would be a lot better that way. Also, Jack Black and Jack White forming a band, horrible idea.

Best R&B Video
Brittney and K-Fed? Is this supposed to be funny? Just give the award to Chris Brown so we can go home. Dammit. That "Check Up On It" song isn't very good.

Video Vanguard Award
Hype Williams makes some good videos. Oh and to remind of about one of them here's a Busta Rhymes with a bunch of Africans. Apoparently this award is really for Busta because he just keeps sing "Put Ya' Hands Where My Eyez Can See." Now the award's for Missy. Ok, I can get behing this portion for two reasons: 1) she's actually wearing the glad bags and 2) Timbaland gets to come out here again tonight. Now Hype is talking... who names their kid Hype?

Sarah Silverman Comes Out for the Sole Reason of Insulting Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton needs to lose weight... beautiful. "I can't even see the bones in your back and that's gross." Wow. Ok, there are too many things going on right now, just watch it.

Viewers Choice Award Update
Fallout Boy rules among retards. Sorry Chris Brown.

Christina Performance
It kind of sucks that Christina isn't very attractive anymore. I just keep thinking of the "Genie in a Bottle" video and it's like, that's the same chick? Oh well, at least she put out a great album this year. Her voice still kicks almost everyone else's ass out there. Because of that fact, I won't hold her mental retardadtion against her.

Best Rock Award
Lou Reed and Pink... this is a match made in a corporate boardroom. Pink is drunk up there but apparently so is Lou Reed. Lou asks us why MTV doesn't play more rock. Nominees: Jared Leto's band, AFI, Green Day, Fallout Boy, RHCP... that's why MTV doesn't play more rock. And the winner is... not Green Day. BOETP: Thanking your lawyer is the ultimate rock 'n' roll fuck you.

Raconteurs
Cheap Sunglasses with ZZ Top himself. BOETP: Know one there knows what this is and how cool it is.

Raconteurs
Again, I love these guys.

Hip Hop/Rap Fusion Award
The Black Eyed Peas are ugly and stupid which is exactly why Kyle Gass belongs in that band. This Tenacious D crap has got to stop. And lo and behold it does, because my Tivo stopped recording when the shitstorm was supposed to end.